The last two years of high school and the first two years of college took me on an emotional roller-coaster so I decided that keeping my head in my books and focusing on my future would be the best decision. I was happy just being an educated nerd, joining clubs and having legal conversations with classmates until one summer break changed things. That year I met the man who I eventually fell for that lied from the start and I didn’t care until the end. Let me correct that, I cared but I blindly forgave so it seemingly "looked" like I didn't care.
He was funny and charming, although I ignored him in the beginning, he wore me down so I thought 'okay fine, I'll talk to him'. I started to be okay, in that short moment, with him pursuing me, I even began to enjoy it-- until. News had come to me that he was dating someone but they kept it secret because she wanted to avoid jealousy from other girls. To this day I am confused about that BUT I digress, that SHOULD have been the red light for me even speaking to him. It was for a moment. I discarded his information and hoped that I would not have to deal with him again.
Jamming to some Beyonce one day my cell phone rang and I heard an accent I knew and loved well but it wasn't kin. It hit me, it was him! He called me several months later from the time we had met, telling me the story of how he tracked down someone who knew me and begged them for my number because he had lost it. Time had passed and I intended on not feeling anything toward him, I more than likely would never see him again. So I could treat it as a once in a while long distance person I chat with, so we conversed and a friendship budded.
It turned out that we could talk about anything and everything. As I said, my first relationship taught me to open up so I held almost nothing back. I felt those old fledgling feelings for him start to creep in again so I stifled them- this was a no go zone. What was sucky about it was that those feelings had begun form the time we met, you know-- when I DID NOT KNOW about the secret relationship he was in. *Insert several eye rolls here* This was a long distance, only by plane type of friendship- and he had a girlfriend. I am not the type of person that cuts in on other people’s relationships. I value myself and God way too much to be reckless like that.
The day came when he told me that his relationship was over but they would remain friends. I suppose a part of me jumped for joy because the flood gate of emotions burst. I could freely admit to myself that I liked him ‘like really really like like him’ and I felt like a school girl. My feelings for him deepened when I thought they were mutual because of what he had told me and asked me. When we were around each other it was great and we had fun, people we came across assumed we were a couple. On one visit in particular, I found out that he had lied to me, they were not truly broken up—it was “complicated” and she had come to hang out with us. You could imagine my face, I had to mentally slap myself because this was happening and I was in another country so I could not drive away. I mean I could but that attempt might have killed me. Eye opener number one, I missed it because I threw a naïve blanket on it and allowed eye opener number two to happen. Truthfully, eye opener number one was the secret relationship but I do not count it because I forgave it so quickly and put the onus on both him and her.
Eye opener number two, after apologizing and swearing that this time it was completely over and he was free to be with whomever he wanted, I forgave him and let my emotions flow. I see now that I had a deep need to love and be loved that I allowed myself much avoidable pain.
We talked about the future, I am talking children, homes and careers that we could possibly have together- he initiated the conversations about these things. Then one day my phone rang and on the other end was a hurt voice telling me how disappointed she was in me that I would go behind her back. Utterly confused, I asked what was happening. She was the girlfriend- STILL- and had found his text messages to me about our plans for the future. I was a deer in headlights; my heart and mind were running a race to see which would win until I heard his voice shouting in the background. He had taken the phone and hung it up. Later he called to apologize. I deleted him, after telling him off. No man will ever make me a side chick, known or unknown to me. It is not who I am. I am God's daughter, I will be respected- I know this now.
Heart crushing eye opener, I let him go by force. He broke my heart after things truly ended only because she moved on. What I learned from my torturous up and down with him is that when you’re in love you can be foolish. Love is beautiful and it can make you giddy and a little blind but it should not be blinding to the obvious wrongs. I loved that man so hard, that even after he broke me, I could not hate him. I prayed for him and forgave him so that I could heal. There is much more to our story after I deleted him but that is another post altogether, only if you want to know what happened afterward, but this is about the lessons learned. The roller-coaster with him taught me to be vigilant for myself, listen to words, test actions, seek proof, and forgive quickly not for their sake but for my own. I learned that I am capable of loving despite deep pain.
All of these relationships hurt me in some way through naivety but I needed all of them to get to be who I am today. A woman confident in saying and sticking to what she wants, what she expects and staying true to who she is. I am a woman who has learned to love ‘in spite of’. Now I am ready to give it all to the one who deserves it—and me. I am as you say "WOKE".
I am not broken, I am whole. Hello Dahlings!
