I gave you my word that I would be honest about everything and that I would let you in to my world. So with that, I have a confession.
Confession:
I lived to make others happy. I was a people pleaser. No, there is nothing wrong with doing good for others and making them happy but there is a problem with making yourself miserable, self-destructive and less than your very best in order to make others happy. That was the kind of people pleaser I was.
I was my own saboteur, educationally, emotionally and physically. Do you want to take the journey with me down this revealing road? Keep reading if you do. If you identify with me comment below or drop an e-mail with your story to askcrystal@crystalsays.info (I promise not to publish your story unless you ask me to).
Educational Saboteur
I was always given compliments on my intelligence and that was great! No problem there, the problem was what came AFTER the compliment-- the comparison. No, I was not the person being compared to some one smarter or better, I was the person parents compared their children to. "Why can't you be like Crystal?" "You see what she's doing? Do that! Follow her!" "Crystal, I wish you would rub off on {insert peer's name here}." As a young child/adolescent hearing this and seeing this, witnessing your peer's face crumble as their parent said everything but "I'm ashamed of you" affects you deeply. In my case, I felt guilty and cursed my intelligence. That was the start of my educational sabotage. Things came easily to me so I never studied, I avoided sharing my grades. I played myself down. I let others out perform me just so they would know the feeling of praise. It had not dawned on me that this behavior to elevate others by sabotaging myself would kick me in the butt.
High school came and I repeated the cycle when friends compared their grades to mine and saw that their grades were not as high. This was a slippery slope that needed to be stopped because the place I'd been dreaming of since I was in pre-school was around the corner-- college! Thank God, it was in college that the cycle ended. I accepted that we all have talents and mine included academics. I proudly took my place on the Dean's list, the honor societies, etc.
I have learned that denying my talents helps no one.
Emotional Saboteur
I am the kind of person that conducts daily introspection, the 'thinky' sort. My mind is always going and when there is an issue in my life it goes on replay for some time. The trouble is I have always had a hard time letting it out because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or dampen their opinions of me as a good girl. I should have because it would have saved me from sleepless nights, stomach upsets, headaches and bouts of depression. Holding in unresolved issues are dangerous! When I was teased because of my weight, I held it in. When I was critiqued on my skin tone, I held it in and wished to be different. All I wanted was to be accepted but I would never voice that. [See Letter to My father ] This internal struggle to please people, to gain their love and acceptance led me to believe that I had been inadequate, I'd been less than worthy of love. So what attention I received I wanted to hold on to as tight as I could for fear that if I had lost it I would never receive any kind again. That my friends was a sad state. It simply was NOT TRUE! I am a lovable and charming little bundle of sunshine (yes, I DID just give myself kiddos and I am proud of it. You should do it too). Too bad I did not realize this before I started physically sabotaging myself.
Physical Sabotage
Keeping things inside was emotionally damaging and it showed itself in the form of stress/anxiety. Stress and I are NOT friends and anxiety is a sly one. Here is where this confession becomes a tough one, I have to admit the prior two types of sabotage I have moved on from but this last one is trying to hang on for dear life! This last one has challenged my faith in God. God is so awesome and mighty, He has brought me out of the rest and I KNOW that this too shall pass. Here goes...
I have realized that the thought of being ugly, fat and unlovable had seeped so deep inside of me that I believed it from the inside out. I became an emotional eater. I got angry, I ate. I became sad, I ate. Somehow convincing myself that I was the worse I could be so there was no use pretending that I could be otherwise-- I'll give them what they say I am. I ate.
In addition to eating, I was doing something I had not learned was a thing until some years ago, I was pulling out my hair consciously and unconsciously. This I learned was trichtillomania (classified as an anxiety disorder). However, as time passed God delivered me from that. Honestly, I do not know how it started. Then when something major happened in high school, I started pulling out the hair from my eyebrows and eyelashes. I tell you this because I know my sharing will help some one know that they are not alone. While I've stopped pulling out the hairs from my head and my hair has grown back in very nicely, thank God, I still struggle with the other locations. [See Hair ]
I am a work in progress. God is not through with me and I still believe that if the hard times I have faced in life were all for the purpose of helping just one person, then it was worth it.
Comment below, let me here you.
