Evolving Strong Friendships

A friend asked me about friendship dynamics. I'd never put words to paper on the subject but I have thought about it exhaustively.

She specifically asked about the evolution and strengthening of friendships. How would I even begin on such a topic? What research should be done? Am I over thinking it?

The answer finally came after speaking to a long time friend- well, we became friends down

the road. The topic of 'friendship evolution' struck me tonight. In his words "We're grown now. If we still had the same issues that we did when we were younger I wouldn't be able to be friends with you now!"

He is right! If we had the same issues individually and/or with each other our friendship would have died long ago. Why? For the simple reason that relationships of any kind, without growth die or remain torturously stagnant- and THEN die. Efforts need to be made with respect to understanding, communicating, and changing behaviors that cause the recipient trauma or discomfort. We've all heard the saying "It's a two way street", it truly is.

If we, as persons, intend to have friendships (relationships) we must learn the rules of the 'Road'.

Rules of the Road:

1) Communication means hearing AND listening NOT just speaking.

This is number one in ALL relationships, this is how relationships are built. What we understand about communication is that it involves talking or expressing individual thoughts and feelings to another person(s); but what we tend to ignore is the listening component. During communication between friends we ‘hear’ each other out but hearing is not the same as listening. How so?

Hearing only needs a functioning ear, a basic sense. Listening combines basic sense with basic sensibility- the ability to be aware of the subject matter and to understand it before responding. Listening is a sign of respect- something we all desire in our relationships. In friendships we need to learn to shut our mouths and open our minds.

2) Make an effort to please the other with the understanding that it is mutually beneficial.

During a phone conversation with a friend, he made this admission: "I listen​to you now, hear what you have to say because I don't want to keep making the same mistakes." This took me by surprise, I admit. First, because it was such an unexpected moment; and second, it is exactly what I want in my friendships. The same is expected of me. Two way street indeed!

Let’s not get it twisted when I say, “make an effort to please the other”, I am most certainly not saying that we begin to be caterers. What I am saying is that necessary effort is to be made to recognize and learn what things we do and say that produces negativity in a given relationship/friendship. Example, you have a friend that hates it when you make plans with them and then consistently cancel at the last minute. You have talked about this over and over, you apologize each time but still commit to plans and then cancel at the last minute. The problem here is that Rule #1, is not being applied, you hear but don’t listen so now you’re at Rule #2. When the first rule isn’t applied it is impossible to apply the second rule.

You may be wondering how in the world is this all mutually beneficial- I’ll tell ​you. You get what you give, right now we’re not talking about abusive relationships. You don’t have to believe in the words of the Bible but you cannot deny that what you sow is what you reap in due time. If you want your friend to listen to you and quit doing the things that annoy you on a consistent basis 1) communicate that and 2) make the effort to do the same for them. Friendships are made stronger when both parties feel and know they are appreciated and respected.

3) Arguments and disagreements should be handled like toddlers NOT adults.

Children forgive faster than adults because they don't yet comprehend grudges. Childlike innocence is major when it comes to the progression of friendships and relationships in general. I, for one, admit that I used to hold in resentments and anger just to replay them in my mind. Honestly, I cannot say that they’re all gone but I can say that I now know how to make a conscious effort to NOT mentally go over an argument after its been discussed, forgiveness given and all parties have moved on. Truly, it is pointless to do so because no one benefits- one is bitter and the other oblivious.

Recently, I encountered this rule. I laugh now but was upset then. Maturity could be seen on both parts after legitimate points were aired and some stubborn silence (on my part) passed- the conversation ended with FaceTime, reaffirmation of value and laughter. We moved on.

It is important to remember that disagreements do not mean that you cannot be friends anymore, it just means that you do not see ‘it’ the same way. So unless these disagreements will significantly alter your lives, agree to disagree and move on. The same goes for arguments, many times they are pointless but egos get in the way of sensibility and run the risk of bringing to an end a great friendship. Because we disagree does not mean that we do not love each other, that’s ridiculous! I’ve seen friendships fall apart because one friend said they did not agree with a lifestyle choice or romantic relationship the other friend was engaging in. I will say it- that is petty and nonsensical. This issue resurfaces in Rule #5.

4) Foster trust.

Trust is a building block used to strengthen the infrastructure (foundation) of a relationship. It rarely happens overnight because it comes from experiences or tests. Over time you will know whether or not a person can hold your secrets or even keep their word. It’s hard to trust a promise breaker or a liar. No, them you watch closely.

I, myself, have had troubling experiences with so-called friends. This I count as my mistake, I did not let experience prove trustworthiness. Eagerness in friendships will cause all kinds of misjudgments, causing us to attribute characteristics to a person that are not truly there in them. However, on the flipside, a person who has demonstrated a trustworthiness, loyalty and genuineness toward you and your relationship with one another IS a person to trust. Despite rocky moments, that WILL happen, through and through this is a friend. History is your greatest measuring stick for trust.

Along with trust is influence. Momma always said to keep away from bad influences. Listen to Momma! There’s no doubt that people who are bad influences can also demonstrate trust and loyalty to one another, how? It goes back to agreements and disagreements on what is ‘liked’ behavior. Take for instance gangs, gangs exhibit trust and loyalty like nobody’s business BUT their influences are negative. If your friendship track record is a positive one, one that promotes the best in both parties, then that is a friendship to keep strengthening.

5) Recognize when truth is being told in love.

Oh boy this is a tricky one. Truth told in love. Yes truth can hurt but we need it. The Bible says in Proverbs chapter 17 verse 17 that “a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity”, very true. I think for this reason we forget that it is in love that truth comes but if it is not something we want to hear we consider it unfriendly. That’s a misconception; we SHOULD want the truth from our friends. If we’re doing something stupid a REAL FRIEND will call us out on it. Personally, I do not consider someone to my friend if they only tell me what they think I want to hear. We do not need YES people in our lives, we need REAL people in our lives. A real friend cares about how your life will turn out and if they can see some thing in the road ahead that may harm you it is their duty- you gave them that permission when you called them ‘friend’- to warn you or stop you. Don’t cut them off, hear them out, listen and respond accordingly.

A recent conversation with one of my best friends (haha let’s not go there on the multiple BFFs thing) reinforced this rule. We are able to tell each other the absolute truth, we know when it’s serious because that’s when the middle names get called out! Because of the love and respect we have for each other disagreements do not matter because we care for each other above ourselves and this way we KNOW some one is ALWAYS looking out for us.

I hope this helped shine some light on evolving and strengthening friendships. This is not the whole sum of the matter just the beginning because friendships are more intricate and delicate than we know. These Road Rules are foundational and the truth is that friendship is not about you its about the person you have befriended (each person should have this view). Reciprocity is the word of the day; keep in mind though it is not about “I do for you so you MUST do for me”. True reciprocity comes out of selflessness.

If you want me to talk on another topic, comment or email me!

"I Saw Your New Love. I'm Better." Really???

For years I've wondered why we feel the urge to compare our Ex's new person to ourselves. Why?

We compare body type, facial beauty or attractiveness, style of dress but taking it further we do the whole social media search. I'm telling you, the FBI or Secret Service could hire some of us with the serious super sleuthing skills we possess! You KNOW you've done it, haha, I'll admit I've done it too. Men, don't laugh because you do it too and some of you are probably in the process of doing it right now!

Again, I ask why? Does it really matter who they're with after us? Maybe it's a matter of closure or us wanting to know where we didn't measure up? Should we improve? There are many questions here but the main one I will focus on is:

"Why tear the NEXT down just because you're the EX?" Truth is she/he could be the most gorgeous person EVER or look like the Blobfish- it does not matter! What matters is that they're NOT with you (us). I don't mean to be harsh but what I want us to understand is that it's not necessarily a bad thing. Both of you have the possibility to do better, clearing opportunity for the PERFECT ONE FOR YOU to come into your life. Take note that I said "perfect for you" not "perfect person". No one is perfect but some people just FIT together.

Below are lyrics from a song but they're all too familiar in everyday conversation. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've heard something like this and I will admit, I have succumb to it in the past. ("She Can't Love You" by Destiny's Child)

Could we all agree that looking behind takes the focus off of moving ahead? I think we could. So why stay focused on the Ex and their new "Boo"? They've moved on and so should you! Don't get me wrong, a broken or bruised heart needs time to heal and that's the reason you should NEVER jump right into another relationship after a breakup. Spend that time learning more about yourself, going after dreams, planning your life, finishing things you've started, reconnecting with family and friends, etc. If you don't do any of this you run the risk of looking pathetic, dependent and lost BUT you're stronger than that!

It's true some of us really do need Boyfriend/Girlfriend Rehabilitation Services... There might be an app for that! (haha)

After you get the 'app' and have begun to heal its time to let go of them, both your Ex and the unhealthy obsession with the new love interest. Take time to evaluate the relationship you had. What was the good you would like to keep and enjoy in another relationship? What was the bad that you will not and cannot accept? What did you bring to the table and what can you now bring to the table (after you've had time to yourself- being a BETTER YOU)? Lastly, what are some things you expect your future mate to bring to the table? (Keep in mind, people have faults so expecting absolute perfection is ludicrous).

I want to hear from you, COMMENT below.

Letter to My father

*WARNING: What you are about to read is real. It is raw and emotion filled.* Dear father,

I've decided to write you a letter you'll probably never read. My intentions are not to slander or hurt you but to tell you the truth that you need to hear. Here it is...

You hurt me. I've spent years hearing people tell me just how lovable and wonderful I am, despite their praises I still wondered about the one love I never encountered. Never truly attained. I've gone on an unwitting journey searching for it. Captivated by the man who holds me at arms length- yeah he's the one I'd fall for. What other example had I? Truth is it never mattered how much my home girls, mother or family said they love me or how great I am, YOU never said it. Wait, you did say that you love me last year but... how can I believe you? Nothing you've done, giving me M&Ms and accessories, shows it. Don't get me wrong, I've never asked of you anything but communication and to see you. You can keep the material, I just wanted you and still do.

Growing up I've had so many questions about boys, my worth in relation, what should I expect? What should I give? Mommy taught me how to be strong AND a lady. I wanted guidance on the opposite sex from you. Maybe you could have helped me OWN my independence and strength instead of wondering if I was behaving like a boy and turning them off. Maybe you could have helped me see the beauty in me long ago. Would I have contemplated suicide because I felt and believed that I was unwanted, alone and ugly (maybe that's why I was unclaimed or unknown by you)? I do not know but what I do know is that you were my first thought each time.

Am I being too real? Too raw? GOOD. I've held it in too long. I needed you even though I HATED you. I hated you because I had to feel like this without any answers. I realize now that I am no longer looking at you through hateful eyes, you are lost yourself so how could I expect you to give me what you do not have?

As I write you this tears stream down my face, twenty-three years of pain aren't easily forgotten. I have not gotten over the reality of your absence or inconsistency. This will not run off my back as water does a duck. It's deeper. I look in the mirror and I see pieces of you, pieces it seems you never cared to know. I'm extremely hurt by and disappointed in you. Before you jump to conclusions, Mommy NEVER spoke badly of you, actually she told me to pray for you and to love you despite it all because Jesus loved you. I've already asked you why you do this, why the neglect but it has been almost two months and I'm still waiting on your reply.

I could feel sorry for myself, I can't relate to those beautiful father-daughter songs. I don't have stories of 'daddy' being over-protective. I don't have fond memories of fights we've had only to look back and see how far we've come- I have no memories at all, just solitary pain. I'd spent much time wondering who'd walk me down the aisle, knowing it would NEVER be you. How could you give away what you haven't kept? No sir, that would and could never be your job, all rights reserved to the woman who's loved and cared for me through pain, hardship and triumph- MOMMY!

However, feeling sorry for myself is something I no longer do. When you stepped out God remained and something amazing happened! He's been Abba Father (Daddy Father) all along and He'd commissioned my wonderful mother to fill in gaps of love and guidance. Where she couldn't fill He brought in many spiritual fathers who still guide me in the things of God and they love me as their own. This father-less girl is called "Daughter" by those who haven't begotten her. If that stings, it should.

By now you probably want to stop reading but please don't. Despite it all I've come to love you father, not of my own strength or will, credit goes to God. I could say so much more but I'd rather dialogue. I'm really hoping you see this. I'm tired of reaching out, its your turn now.

I wrote this poem for you:

Daddy Dearest

Your little girl is born

Big brown eyes and a killer smile

She has your mouth

Yes, indeed, she’s your child

Ten little fingers, ten little toes

Did you make an appearance?

I guess she’ll never know…

Daddy Dearest

It’s time to make the Father’s Day cards

No one understands why this is hard

So she makes the card

‘X’ marks the spot because she doesn’t know…

Daddy Dearest

“Hello? Mommy, there’s a man on the phone.”

Mommy whispers, “It’s your father.”

Baby girl’s heartbeat quickens

Caught between anger and excitement

“What do you want for Christmas?” he asks

Baby girl answers “a video game”

Deep inside she screams “Where are you? Do you love me?”…

Daddy Dearest

It’s Christmas day and her friends bombard their trees

Shredding gift wrap like confetti

For baby girl this is Judgment Day

There’s been no calls, no visits

Barbies galore, tea sets and clothes

Oh but wait, there’s one more…

Could it be? A promise kept

But not from …

Daddy Dearest

Breasts and hips

Emotions and attractions

She likes that boy

He gives her joy…

Now but later uses her like a toy

Why did he do it?

She forgot she couldn’t ask …

Daddy Dearest

She’s grown up now

Cried her tears

Fought her fears

She knows Daddy Dearest is who he is

A man fighting himself

Internal warfare emoting hatred and unforgiveness

He hates himself for hurting who he loves

Somehow he just cannot rise above

Say a prayer for Daddy Dearest

One day we will love

One day we will rise above

The truth remains

A girl needs her Daddy Dearest but in this case

My case, Mommy Dearest is just fine!

father, you're still in my prayers, I love you and I really hope that you can get out of your own way because I think you could be great!

Sincerely,

The daughter you don't know