My Boyfriend Might Be Gay... Should I Stay?

This is a statement too common nowadays. It's gone way beyond Terry McMillan, when 'Stella Got Her Groove Back'. On more than one occasion I have been approached by women who have had their worlds rocked with this suspicion followed by facts. So now I want to know what YOU would do if: You're in love with a wonderful man, he loves you too and things look like they're going great in the relationship, UNTIL... You come across his cell phone/text messages/e-mail/computer pictures (you weren't actively looking for something fishy or maybe you were, the point is)  you have found questionable things. What are you to do? Ask him? Yes. Now you've asked him and he has denied being gay but hasn't explained your findings, instead he insists that he wants to be with you and you have insulted him. Tables have turned, even now he may try harder to prove his manliness in affectionate ways to you. Last resort, he gives you an ultimatum: "Do you want to be with me? I love you and want to be with you, I want you to have my children. But if you can't trust me then I don't know what we're doing here. You went through my things and then questioned me on it. If we are going to be in this relationship I have to trust you."

I'll give him this, he's gooood with the talk! I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard this scenario played out. You would be surprised at the reactions, things don't go as they should.

If this was your boyfriend, what would you do? Being "down low" doesn't help anyone.

Recently I was asked my advice on this same type of situation, this was my response:

She should run! This is a stage of denial that no doubt in the long run will end in her heartache. It's not a matter of having an issue with homosexuals it is a matter of being in an ill-fitted relationship. He may in fact love her but if he is attracted to men that is something he isn't going to get over in a minute. She has to think about herself, it is unfair to her. If she is afraid of being alone she has to weigh her options: end a dead end relationship and save herself from heartache down the road when it's too late VS carry on the relationship and spend the rest of her days questioning, worrying and eventually being scarred and hurt beyond reason. The choice is hers.

What is your advice? Help some one out who's facing this same problem, they may be reading.

"I Saw Your New Love. I'm Better." Really???

For years I've wondered why we feel the urge to compare our Ex's new person to ourselves. Why?

We compare body type, facial beauty or attractiveness, style of dress but taking it further we do the whole social media search. I'm telling you, the FBI or Secret Service could hire some of us with the serious super sleuthing skills we possess! You KNOW you've done it, haha, I'll admit I've done it too. Men, don't laugh because you do it too and some of you are probably in the process of doing it right now!

Again, I ask why? Does it really matter who they're with after us? Maybe it's a matter of closure or us wanting to know where we didn't measure up? Should we improve? There are many questions here but the main one I will focus on is:

"Why tear the NEXT down just because you're the EX?" Truth is she/he could be the most gorgeous person EVER or look like the Blobfish- it does not matter! What matters is that they're NOT with you (us). I don't mean to be harsh but what I want us to understand is that it's not necessarily a bad thing. Both of you have the possibility to do better, clearing opportunity for the PERFECT ONE FOR YOU to come into your life. Take note that I said "perfect for you" not "perfect person". No one is perfect but some people just FIT together.

Below are lyrics from a song but they're all too familiar in everyday conversation. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've heard something like this and I will admit, I have succumb to it in the past. ("She Can't Love You" by Destiny's Child)

Could we all agree that looking behind takes the focus off of moving ahead? I think we could. So why stay focused on the Ex and their new "Boo"? They've moved on and so should you! Don't get me wrong, a broken or bruised heart needs time to heal and that's the reason you should NEVER jump right into another relationship after a breakup. Spend that time learning more about yourself, going after dreams, planning your life, finishing things you've started, reconnecting with family and friends, etc. If you don't do any of this you run the risk of looking pathetic, dependent and lost BUT you're stronger than that!

It's true some of us really do need Boyfriend/Girlfriend Rehabilitation Services... There might be an app for that! (haha)

After you get the 'app' and have begun to heal its time to let go of them, both your Ex and the unhealthy obsession with the new love interest. Take time to evaluate the relationship you had. What was the good you would like to keep and enjoy in another relationship? What was the bad that you will not and cannot accept? What did you bring to the table and what can you now bring to the table (after you've had time to yourself- being a BETTER YOU)? Lastly, what are some things you expect your future mate to bring to the table? (Keep in mind, people have faults so expecting absolute perfection is ludicrous).

I want to hear from you, COMMENT below.

I'm Turning What????!

It's a bit early but it dawned on me that my birthday is FAST approaching! Before I know it, I'll be (muffles mouth) !$@;t%* years old... Ehem, I mean young!

I've always said that I'd be that woman who proudly states her age even at 100- I still stand by that statement buuut by nature I've come to an age of evaluation. I find myself sitting and thinking about my accomplishments, dreams I thought would come true by now- some have changed and others replaced. I'm a woman so I can't help but think about whether I will have children or not. Marriage? Haha! Wait, was that out loud? Oh well, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.

I ask myself sometimes "have you done all you've wanted?" It would be nice if I got an answer but the silence tells me that I've stressed for no apparent reason! My life has just begun! I was tripping all the way out. I have time as long as God gives me breath. So dreams and visions will become true!

All the rest, like a husband and babies, well, let's wait and see shall we? I'm in no rush. Until then, like my mother says [insert Caribbean accent here] "free paper not burn!" (Meaning: I do not have any life changing responsibilities.) ;)

Now back to your regularly scheduled program...

Letter to My father

*WARNING: What you are about to read is real. It is raw and emotion filled.* Dear father,

I've decided to write you a letter you'll probably never read. My intentions are not to slander or hurt you but to tell you the truth that you need to hear. Here it is...

You hurt me. I've spent years hearing people tell me just how lovable and wonderful I am, despite their praises I still wondered about the one love I never encountered. Never truly attained. I've gone on an unwitting journey searching for it. Captivated by the man who holds me at arms length- yeah he's the one I'd fall for. What other example had I? Truth is it never mattered how much my home girls, mother or family said they love me or how great I am, YOU never said it. Wait, you did say that you love me last year but... how can I believe you? Nothing you've done, giving me M&Ms and accessories, shows it. Don't get me wrong, I've never asked of you anything but communication and to see you. You can keep the material, I just wanted you and still do.

Growing up I've had so many questions about boys, my worth in relation, what should I expect? What should I give? Mommy taught me how to be strong AND a lady. I wanted guidance on the opposite sex from you. Maybe you could have helped me OWN my independence and strength instead of wondering if I was behaving like a boy and turning them off. Maybe you could have helped me see the beauty in me long ago. Would I have contemplated suicide because I felt and believed that I was unwanted, alone and ugly (maybe that's why I was unclaimed or unknown by you)? I do not know but what I do know is that you were my first thought each time.

Am I being too real? Too raw? GOOD. I've held it in too long. I needed you even though I HATED you. I hated you because I had to feel like this without any answers. I realize now that I am no longer looking at you through hateful eyes, you are lost yourself so how could I expect you to give me what you do not have?

As I write you this tears stream down my face, twenty-three years of pain aren't easily forgotten. I have not gotten over the reality of your absence or inconsistency. This will not run off my back as water does a duck. It's deeper. I look in the mirror and I see pieces of you, pieces it seems you never cared to know. I'm extremely hurt by and disappointed in you. Before you jump to conclusions, Mommy NEVER spoke badly of you, actually she told me to pray for you and to love you despite it all because Jesus loved you. I've already asked you why you do this, why the neglect but it has been almost two months and I'm still waiting on your reply.

I could feel sorry for myself, I can't relate to those beautiful father-daughter songs. I don't have stories of 'daddy' being over-protective. I don't have fond memories of fights we've had only to look back and see how far we've come- I have no memories at all, just solitary pain. I'd spent much time wondering who'd walk me down the aisle, knowing it would NEVER be you. How could you give away what you haven't kept? No sir, that would and could never be your job, all rights reserved to the woman who's loved and cared for me through pain, hardship and triumph- MOMMY!

However, feeling sorry for myself is something I no longer do. When you stepped out God remained and something amazing happened! He's been Abba Father (Daddy Father) all along and He'd commissioned my wonderful mother to fill in gaps of love and guidance. Where she couldn't fill He brought in many spiritual fathers who still guide me in the things of God and they love me as their own. This father-less girl is called "Daughter" by those who haven't begotten her. If that stings, it should.

By now you probably want to stop reading but please don't. Despite it all I've come to love you father, not of my own strength or will, credit goes to God. I could say so much more but I'd rather dialogue. I'm really hoping you see this. I'm tired of reaching out, its your turn now.

I wrote this poem for you:

Daddy Dearest

Your little girl is born

Big brown eyes and a killer smile

She has your mouth

Yes, indeed, she’s your child

Ten little fingers, ten little toes

Did you make an appearance?

I guess she’ll never know…

Daddy Dearest

It’s time to make the Father’s Day cards

No one understands why this is hard

So she makes the card

‘X’ marks the spot because she doesn’t know…

Daddy Dearest

“Hello? Mommy, there’s a man on the phone.”

Mommy whispers, “It’s your father.”

Baby girl’s heartbeat quickens

Caught between anger and excitement

“What do you want for Christmas?” he asks

Baby girl answers “a video game”

Deep inside she screams “Where are you? Do you love me?”…

Daddy Dearest

It’s Christmas day and her friends bombard their trees

Shredding gift wrap like confetti

For baby girl this is Judgment Day

There’s been no calls, no visits

Barbies galore, tea sets and clothes

Oh but wait, there’s one more…

Could it be? A promise kept

But not from …

Daddy Dearest

Breasts and hips

Emotions and attractions

She likes that boy

He gives her joy…

Now but later uses her like a toy

Why did he do it?

She forgot she couldn’t ask …

Daddy Dearest

She’s grown up now

Cried her tears

Fought her fears

She knows Daddy Dearest is who he is

A man fighting himself

Internal warfare emoting hatred and unforgiveness

He hates himself for hurting who he loves

Somehow he just cannot rise above

Say a prayer for Daddy Dearest

One day we will love

One day we will rise above

The truth remains

A girl needs her Daddy Dearest but in this case

My case, Mommy Dearest is just fine!

father, you're still in my prayers, I love you and I really hope that you can get out of your own way because I think you could be great!

Sincerely,

The daughter you don't know