I found, I admit it, that I am guilty of some of these offenses. Are you?
I'm Turning What????!
It's a bit early but it dawned on me that my birthday is FAST approaching! Before I know it, I'll be (muffles mouth) !$@;t%* years old... Ehem, I mean young!
I've always said that I'd be that woman who proudly states her age even at 100- I still stand by that statement buuut by nature I've come to an age of evaluation. I find myself sitting and thinking about my accomplishments, dreams I thought would come true by now- some have changed and others replaced. I'm a woman so I can't help but think about whether I will have children or not. Marriage? Haha! Wait, was that out loud? Oh well, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.
I ask myself sometimes "have you done all you've wanted?" It would be nice if I got an answer but the silence tells me that I've stressed for no apparent reason! My life has just begun! I was tripping all the way out. I have time as long as God gives me breath. So dreams and visions will become true!
All the rest, like a husband and babies, well, let's wait and see shall we? I'm in no rush. Until then, like my mother says [insert Caribbean accent here] "free paper not burn!" (Meaning: I do not have any life changing responsibilities.) ;)
Now back to your regularly scheduled program...
Letter to My father
*WARNING: What you are about to read is real. It is raw and emotion filled.* Dear father,
I've decided to write you a letter you'll probably never read. My intentions are not to slander or hurt you but to tell you the truth that you need to hear. Here it is...
You hurt me. I've spent years hearing people tell me just how lovable and wonderful I am, despite their praises I still wondered about the one love I never encountered. Never truly attained. I've gone on an unwitting journey searching for it. Captivated by the man who holds me at arms length- yeah he's the one I'd fall for. What other example had I? Truth is it never mattered how much my home girls, mother or family said they love me or how great I am, YOU never said it. Wait, you did say that you love me last year but... how can I believe you? Nothing you've done, giving me M&Ms and accessories, shows it. Don't get me wrong, I've never asked of you anything but communication and to see you. You can keep the material, I just wanted you and still do.
Growing up I've had so many questions about boys, my worth in relation, what should I expect? What should I give? Mommy taught me how to be strong AND a lady. I wanted guidance on the opposite sex from you. Maybe you could have helped me OWN my independence and strength instead of wondering if I was behaving like a boy and turning them off. Maybe you could have helped me see the beauty in me long ago. Would I have contemplated suicide because I felt and believed that I was unwanted, alone and ugly (maybe that's why I was unclaimed or unknown by you)? I do not know but what I do know is that you were my first thought each time.
Am I being too real? Too raw? GOOD. I've held it in too long. I needed you even though I HATED you. I hated you because I had to feel like this without any answers. I realize now that I am no longer looking at you through hateful eyes, you are lost yourself so how could I expect you to give me what you do not have?
As I write you this tears stream down my face, twenty-three years of pain aren't easily forgotten. I have not gotten over the reality of your absence or inconsistency. This will not run off my back as water does a duck. It's deeper. I look in the mirror and I see pieces of you, pieces it seems you never cared to know. I'm extremely hurt by and disappointed in you. Before you jump to conclusions, Mommy NEVER spoke badly of you, actually she told me to pray for you and to love you despite it all because Jesus loved you. I've already asked you why you do this, why the neglect but it has been almost two months and I'm still waiting on your reply.
I could feel sorry for myself, I can't relate to those beautiful father-daughter songs. I don't have stories of 'daddy' being over-protective. I don't have fond memories of fights we've had only to look back and see how far we've come- I have no memories at all, just solitary pain. I'd spent much time wondering who'd walk me down the aisle, knowing it would NEVER be you. How could you give away what you haven't kept? No sir, that would and could never be your job, all rights reserved to the woman who's loved and cared for me through pain, hardship and triumph- MOMMY!
However, feeling sorry for myself is something I no longer do. When you stepped out God remained and something amazing happened! He's been Abba Father (Daddy Father) all along and He'd commissioned my wonderful mother to fill in gaps of love and guidance. Where she couldn't fill He brought in many spiritual fathers who still guide me in the things of God and they love me as their own. This father-less girl is called "Daughter" by those who haven't begotten her. If that stings, it should.
By now you probably want to stop reading but please don't. Despite it all I've come to love you father, not of my own strength or will, credit goes to God. I could say so much more but I'd rather dialogue. I'm really hoping you see this. I'm tired of reaching out, its your turn now.
I wrote this poem for you:
Daddy Dearest
Your little girl is born
Big brown eyes and a killer smile
She has your mouth
Yes, indeed, she’s your child
Ten little fingers, ten little toes
Did you make an appearance?
I guess she’ll never know…
Daddy Dearest
It’s time to make the Father’s Day cards
No one understands why this is hard
So she makes the card
‘X’ marks the spot because she doesn’t know…
Daddy Dearest
“Hello? Mommy, there’s a man on the phone.”
Mommy whispers, “It’s your father.”
Baby girl’s heartbeat quickens
Caught between anger and excitement
“What do you want for Christmas?” he asks
Baby girl answers “a video game”
Deep inside she screams “Where are you? Do you love me?”…
Daddy Dearest
It’s Christmas day and her friends bombard their trees
Shredding gift wrap like confetti
For baby girl this is Judgment Day
There’s been no calls, no visits
Barbies galore, tea sets and clothes
Oh but wait, there’s one more…
Could it be? A promise kept
But not from …
Daddy Dearest
Breasts and hips
Emotions and attractions
She likes that boy
He gives her joy…
Now but later uses her like a toy
Why did he do it?
She forgot she couldn’t ask …
Daddy Dearest
She’s grown up now
Cried her tears
Fought her fears
She knows Daddy Dearest is who he is
A man fighting himself
Internal warfare emoting hatred and unforgiveness
He hates himself for hurting who he loves
Somehow he just cannot rise above
Say a prayer for Daddy Dearest
One day we will love
One day we will rise above
The truth remains
A girl needs her Daddy Dearest but in this case
My case, Mommy Dearest is just fine!
father, you're still in my prayers, I love you and I really hope that you can get out of your own way because I think you could be great!
Sincerely,
The daughter you don't know
